I've been
Blogging has been an outlet I could think in the open, it felt (much) safer back then and I do think filtering what to share now has make my writing uncertain, vague and most time questions on "what are you trying to blog about?".
I reckon if I want to reach to a wider audience I would need to regroup my content and be specific...though I'm sure there's another way to go around it without loosing myself so that I can fit in.
Ultimately the reason why I started blogging is because talking to the wall was frown upon and writing on the other hand seemed like a smarter option because it goes to an archive, a click to transport me back to 2005? 2010? it's simply a satisfying way to remember who I was back then, what I was thinking, behave and more so...if I grew at all.
Many times I'll drop by sites I used to follow and wished they would reappear from their worldwideweb absence.
This is a snippet of what I found on my archive, looks like the grain is still missing in 2017.
"Jessica at Oct 1, 2011.
i remember quite vividly the time i got out of high school and went into college.
the adventure i find, the trips i'll take (or would like to) the places i'll go wild dreaming and thinking about it.
nothing was risky, i didn't need the company- i was dreaming of an adventure alone!
i remember planning to go to fashion capitals, Milan was so close to mind...to be a student, to be an intern and ultimately...
in my mind, be there breathing and speaking Italian/french and the thought of meeting new people in a foreign land, without any
friends from home going alone wasn't an issue at all. in fact, i was ecstatic! fearless! no even the slightest wonder if i'll be left out!
hmm. then what happened.
well, i got into college and entered competitions, went to fashion shows, helped backstage and still... hungry for an adventure.
but Milan wasn't in mind anymore. that, i don't know why?
one by one, my course mates left the country... one to Taiwan, another to Tokyo, one to Singapore. They pursued , they went for it.
I was here, thinking of where i wanted to go and the desire just seem to vanish away, like a thief that stole a grain from a sack.
where did i want to go? i didn't know and wasn't too bothered about it.
i finished my course, took on an intern job for an experience, thinking that i would somehow get a place to fly to...
that was almost 5 years ago.
i have yet to pursue that one adventure- that grain that got away.
i'm not writing this now out of regrets... i chose to stay and start working the trade.
i found out after being an intern that i love working...i love the idea that everything i can think up, i can make for real, for the world and not merely for assignments, to get a rating.
i found great friends along the way but now it has come to this...
last year, i had the opportunity to go to Perth, in an abrupt moment i landed on foreign soil, alone.
i remember being in the plane and pat myself for stepping out from my comfort zone that i slipped into these past years.
i guess it would be easier if i had a supportive father, but that would just be an excuse huh?
nonetheless, with that one issue from home, i was both troubled and at peace.
that one trip out alone was a lonely affair the first night.
i guess, now that i can look back on it- to sink into a "good fortune" was seemingly hard to digest because i didn't know how to react to it, since it came as a surprise.
i have many things in mind, dreams built up in cotton clouds never knowing when will it turn to concrete kingdoms and i never took into account of how i'll react when those clouds falls to the ground as concrete.
now that i am writing this, things are making sense.
forcing out memories to the many vague questions are helping me find- me (again).
a route course.
i need a blueprint.
i was checking that friend of mine that went to Taiwan.
like i knew she would, she never came back to Malaysia other that to visit her family once in awhile.
She went for it and i'm happy she did and happy she stayed, there.
She recently took a trip alone to Korea and i caught myself uttering in my mind, how i envied her adventure, how brave she was.
"Brave". i used to be the one that would get that remark from people around.
A foreign place, a plane ride to go out and alone... it's totally something i would jump right into!!
but why am i second-guessing things now?
what happened to the free fall?
how is it that I've become this person- i don't remember knowing 5years ago?
i don't think it's late.
Jessica, let's find you back and go on adventures!"
